Grabbing the Air?

So, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I feel like this desire has put into some kind of state of desperation. Am I grabbing for things that aren't there? Am I reaching out for things that will give me recognition? I've recently been trying to get on with this very small scale and local e-zine. They wanted me for commentary, which I've done before and enjoyed, but I happened to have a story I'd just written (and was/am proud of) on the same topic. I submitted it and have yet to get a response. Was I jumping the gun? Probably...maybe I should just wait for a response and get my butt to commenting and wait it out until they need more from me.

At the same time, I had an old college acquaintance ask if anyone wanted to help him design a book. I jumped at the opportunity and soon realized that it had nothing to do with writing--it had more to do with layout. But I still offered my rudimentary skills. But...WHY? Why would I try to impose myself into that situation? I don't have an answer.

I'll say this. The best recognition I've ever gotten was when one of my students (I'm a teacher, by the way) gave me a note of recognition that the school has for students to give to teachers that have an impact on them. What it says wasn't that important, but what the student said to me when he gave it to me was great. He said, "You have just done a great job of making me feel comfortable and welcome in this school. You've helped me a lot and I just want you to know that I appreciate it." No one else saw this except for me, but it meant the world. So, do I need worldwide recognition? No, probably not. I guess I just want a pat on the back. I don't even think it's a selfish thing. I think I just want to know I'm doing a good job.

On a side note, my student was recently run out of the school by some angry redneck types because he was browner than they were. Guess all my work is easily reversed by roving gangs of angry morons.

Seymour

Gumption?

Why a boy with gumption, you may ask? It once occurred to me that all those kids in movies you used to watch when growing up (and I don't mean the animated Pixar stuff that is going on nowadays) always had a boy with gumption in them. You know, that enterprising youngster who could turn hard work into something grand? Or the one who was able to tackle responsibility with an adult-like knack for getting the job done? Perhaps you're more familiar with the honest boy who convinced his parents that he was trustworthy enough to stay out late? Maybe you don't remember them; they've mostly been replaced with pranksters and ne'er-do-wells who are able to get away with murder and come out looking squeaky clean.

Anyway, I always wondered what happened to those boys when they grew up. You see, I was one of those boys--I got great grades in school, I worked hard at extracurriculars, I had a wide toolset of skills and talents and went about my childhood putting them to work in a way that would set me up for the best possible outcome. I knew my liars and thieves and saw many of them live and die by the sword. Of course, I still see many of them succeeding as well.

However, as a boy with gumption, I knew I would be destined for something greater, right? I can't complain about my current state. I have a great job and make good money. I don't have too much debt. My credit rating is good. I have a house and an amazing wife. But as I near thirty years on Earth (and I swear I'm not freaking out about it or having a mid-life crisis or any weird decadephobia) I am starting to wonder what my legacy of greatness will be. Nothing seems to be standing out. I haven't done anything outrageously wonderful. I've created nothing, published nothing, destroyed nothing, accomplished nothing greater than avoiding infamy and am generally a ho-hum kind of guy. Of course, there's just this small part of me that feels like there is something I must accomplish--something I must do that will leave a mark.

But the motive behind it all is what bothers me the most. Why do I want to leave a mark? Is it pride? Do I want to accomplish something so I can run down the street screaming, "Look what I did! Look what I did!"? Am I more noble in this endeavor? Do I want to benefit mankind in some way? If so, how? I still have a wide skill set, but are any of my skills developed enough to actually accomplish something?

Regardless, there lies in me some kind of desire to achieve or at least to do something well. I hope to analyze this inner drive here and hope that someone finds it worthy of discussion. Feel free to bombard me with suggestions, praise or hatred.

Yours,

Seymour